Johnny 59
12-11-2008, 02:46 AM
WELL THANKS A LOT
I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails
over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have
little chance of recovery.
I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a
paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water
without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I
don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the
adult movie channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can
only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been
driving because the number one pastime while driving alone
is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be
taking the number one spot).
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I
can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed
over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has
placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one
about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to
use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for
the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick
girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for
the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change
once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates /Microsoft and AOL
are sending me for participating in their special e-mail
program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214
angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has
granted my every wish.
I no longer e at KFC because their chickens are actually
horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I
smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get
answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and
make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola
because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along
to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back
seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it
causes cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of
water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my
face... disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I
could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they
are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to
dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls
to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since
I now have their recipe.
THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine
because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause
me instant death when it bites my butt.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up
$5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed
there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab
my leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas
from certain gas companies!
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid
I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000
people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land
on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas
from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a
hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened
to a friend of my next-door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's
second husband's cousin's beautician. .
Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity
read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails
over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have
little chance of recovery.
I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a
paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water
without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I
don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the
adult movie channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can
only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been
driving because the number one pastime while driving alone
is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be
taking the number one spot).
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I
can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed
over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has
placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one
about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to
use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for
the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick
girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for
the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change
once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates /Microsoft and AOL
are sending me for participating in their special e-mail
program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214
angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has
granted my every wish.
I no longer e at KFC because their chickens are actually
horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I
smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get
answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and
make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola
because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along
to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back
seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it
causes cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of
water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my
face... disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I
could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they
are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to
dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls
to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since
I now have their recipe.
THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine
because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause
me instant death when it bites my butt.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up
$5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed
there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab
my leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas
from certain gas companies!
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid
I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000
people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land
on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas
from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a
hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened
to a friend of my next-door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's
second husband's cousin's beautician. .
Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity
read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.