Tell me what you think

[3DCrazyInTN]

So I just wrote my first song. I was just trying to get some feedback on the lyrics. I entitled it "Guide Me". Anyone out there with a little more musical talent gimme some constructive critisism (sp?)

So here I am again,
Wanting to hear your voice,
Reaching out to touch your hand,
I’m longing to rejoice.

I want to know your plan,
I want to see your grace,
I just want to feel your presence,
Here in this place.

God reveal yourself to me,
Please show me how,
How I can be,
Everything for you now,
Move me at your will,
Tell me where to stand,
I’m not budging until,
You guide me with your hand,
Guide me with your hand.

Now I come to you,
Broken and poured out,
Wishing for a sign,
That will make me want to shout.

God reveal yourself to me,
Please show me how,
How I can be,
Everything for you now,
Move me at your will,
Tell me where to stand,
I’m not budging until,
You guide me with your hand,
Guide me with your hand.

[jumpingmaniac]

Thats cool! Great Job!

[3DCrazyInTN]

I realize this is The Word forum, but God has really been moving in my life lately. Scripture tells us that if we delight ourselves in the Lord then he will give us the desires of our heart (Psalms 37:4). I thought maybe this would be an appropriate place to post this because sometimes we get so caught up in wanting to feel God and wanting to see him move, that we forget to be still, sometimes we expect things now, and now may not be God's time. I really dont know where else to post this but would be happy to move it if someone can tell me how to move it and where to move it to.

[Pouye]

So I just wrote my first song. I was just trying to get some feedback on the lyrics. I entitled it "Guide Me". Anyone out there with a little more musical talent gimme some constructive critisism (sp?)

So here I am again,
Wanting to hear your voice,
Reaching out to touch your hand,
I’m longing to rejoice.

I want to know your plan,
I want to see your grace,
I just want to feel your presence,
Here in this place.

God reveal yourself to me,
Please show me how,
How I can be,
Everything for you now,
Move me at your will,
Tell me where to stand,
I’m not budging until,
You guide me with your hand,
Guide me with your hand.

Now I come to you,
Broken and poured out,
Wishing for a sign,
That will make me want to shout.

God reveal yourself to me,
Please show me how,
How I can be,
Everything for you now,
Move me at your will,
Tell me where to stand,
I’m not budging until,
You guide me with your hand,
Guide me with your hand.

This is a great poem, and very heartfelt. I would like to offer some constructive suggestions (if I may). Let's look at a Third Day song together (Show Me Your Glory):

I caught a glimpse of Your splendor
In the corner of my eye
The most beautiful thing I've ever seen
And it was like a flash of lightning
Reflected off the sky
And I know I'll never be the same

Show me Your glory
Send down Your presence
I want to see Your face
Show me Your glory
Majesty shines about You
I can't go on without You, Lord

When I climb down the mountain
And get back to my life
I won't settle for ordinary things
I'm gonna follow You forever
And for all of my days
I won't rest 'til I see You again

Show me Your glory
Show me Your glory
I can't live without You

-------------

There are some rhymes in this song, but they are actually quite few: sky/eye, things/again (which don't really rhyme, but they are close in sound). One of the marks of a good song is often the fact that rhymes are not contrived/forced, and that the song has meaning and strength that is not bound to rhyme, but more bound to rhythm or just the "feel" of the words as they flow with the music. Often rhymes are spaced far apart, like the in the Lifehouse song "Breathing":

I'm finding my way back to sanity, again
Though I don't really know what
I am gonna do when I get there
Take a breath and hold on tight
Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back in the arms of grace

I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be

I am looking past the shadows
Of my mind into the truth and
I'm trying to identify
The voices in my head
God, which one's you?
Let me feel one more time
What it feels like to feel
And break these calluses off me
One more time

'Cause I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside your door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be

I don't want a thing from you
Bet you're tired of me waiting
For the scraps to fall
Off your table to the ground
I just want'a be here now

--------------------------

Here are some of the rhymes: me/be; more/door (internal rhyme); mind/trying (internal rhyme); time/time (same word); ground/now; hanging/say..and

These lyrics are much more clever than Third Day's lyrics in "Show Me Your Glory". More internal rhyming (meaning not at the end of the verse, but rhymes happening in the middle, even in the same verse), plays on words that form similar "bonds", and even use of conjunctions to form internal rhymes.

The best songs lyrics (in my opinion) illicit a feeling or emotion by the way the words blend and tell a story. There are internal rhymes, and rhymes are usually used to pull a scattered string of verses together at the "end".

Here is a song I wrote. It's not that great, and it does have some rhymes in it (and they aren't all that creative), but I was going for feel in the story-line:

The Journey

Here we are
moving through the desert
all our hearts are seeking refuge from
the beating heat

Going on
Walking in the valleys
Over mountains in the badlands
plotting no retreat

Chorus:
Traveling looking beyond the horizon
Where our promises are dawning in morning light
Knowing this, our Savior journeys with us
We are not alone to face this world without His eyes
On us

Drinking deep
From the Living Water
Welling up inside our hearts into
Eternity
Eating from
The very Bread of Heaven
Words of healing and forgiveness
For the world to see

(Chorus)

Bridge:
I see the Glory of the Lord
Shining down from His face
Mercy in flowing waters rain
From drops of grace
---------------


Anyway, keep writing and keep singing!!!

Rock

[Pixie Wildflower]

Just beautiful. I love the flow of it.